SENTIMENTS AND REALITIES - PARTNER DOESN'T RESPECT MY FEELINGS

SENTIMENTS AND REALITIES - RESPECT - FEELINGS


                                                           

                                             




Sentiments Are Not Facts Or Your Feelings Are Valid. It's Both Actually, And Here's Why. In The Event That Your Feelings Are Valid In That You Are Actually Feeling Them, That's Something That No One Can Argue With And No One Can Take Away From You. 

It Doesn't Matter What Else Is Going On, You Really Are Feeling The Way That You're Feeling, And If Someone Tries To Tell You That You're Not Feeling The Way That You Know That You're Feeling, That Is A Huge Red Flag, Don't Let Anyone Convince You Otherwise.

At The Same Time, Though, Your Feelings Might Not Necessarily Accurately Reflect The Reality That's Going On Around You And/or They Might Not Be The Most Rational, Helpful, Or Appropriate Response To Whatever It Is That You're Dealing With. 

But It Doesn't Mean That You're Not Feeling Them, You're Still Feeling This Way, And So Then, What Do You Do About That? So When You're All Up In Your Feelings, Here's What You Can Start To Do. The First Thing Is To Figure Out Exactly What It Is That You're Feeling. 

Usually, When We Experience Really Intense Emotions, We Experience Them First As Just Like Good Or Bad, Exciting Or Uncomfortable. I Want More Of This.

I Want Less Of This, Right? And So, The First Step Is To Get A Little Bit More Clarity On Exactly What It Is That You're Feeling.

Is It Anger?

Is It Jealousy?

Is It Fear?

Is It Rage?

Is It Confusion?


If You Can Dial In On Exactly What You're Feeling That's Going To Help With Every Future Step. Next Up Is To Name The Story That Your Feelings Are Telling You About What's Going On. What Do You Think That This Means About Yourself, About Your Partner, About The Situation? 

What Is The Story In Your Head About What All Of This Means Together? Now Recognize That This Might Or Might Not Be An Accurate Reflection Of What's Actually Going On And You Might Not Ever Actually Be Able To Know For Sure One Way Or The Other, But That's Okay, Just The Step Of Articulating What These Feelings Are Telling You Or What You Think They're Telling You Is Going To Be Huge, And Again.

Progressing Through These Feelings And Getting To A Helpful And Productive Place. The Third Step That You're Gonna Want To Do Is To Start To Come Down From These Heightened Emotions.

When You're Feeling Activated, You're Not Going To Be Able To Think Rationally. You're Not Going To Make The Best Decisions, And You're Ultimately Not Going To Be Best Prepared Or Best Suited To Take The Best Care Of Yourself And Get What You Actually Want In The End.

You Can Do That By Self-soothing, Whether That's Taking A Step Away, Going Outside, Maybe That's Like Paying Attention To Your Breath For A Little Bit, Perhaps That's Eating Some Ice Cream, Listening To Some Music, Reading A Book, Just Like Taking A Moment To Put Some Distance Between Yourself And Whatever It Is That Was Causing Those Feelings And To Allow Your Body To Sort Of Come Back Down And Settle Into It. 

As You Begin To Do That, You Can Start To Use Your Feelings To Figure Out What Needs Of Yours Weren't Getting Met And What Was Causing You To Feel So Activated. I Made A Video All About Using Your Feelings To Figure Out Your Needs. 

I'll Put A Link To It Down Below And Up Above. And Then, As You Begin To Figure Out What Those Needs Of Yours Are That Are Unmet, You Can Then Go About Getting Those Needs Met, Either By Yourself Or With The Person That You're In Conflict With Or Through Your Friends And Families. 

The People Who Are Closest To You, Start To Rebuild That Foundation Of Stability And Safety. And Then Finally, The Last Step Is Once You've Got Some Distance, You've Come Down, You're Feeling Safe And Secure, At Least For Now, Begin To Use That Experience And Use Those Feelings To Try And Figure Out What Was Going On And What You Want To Learn From That And What You Want To Do In Response To That. 

Here Are Some Things That Often Come Up. These Intense Feelings Might Be Alerting You To The Fact That You're Feeling Unsafe. And So, If That's The Case, Try And Sort Through,

Are You Really Unsafe?

And Then, If So, What Needs To Change

So That You Can Be Safe All The Time

Or As Much Of The Time As Possible?

Oftentimes, Our Feelings Might Be Alerting Us To A Pattern. Is This Something That Is Happening Over And Over And Over And Over Again And It Keeps Happening? And So, If That's The Case, What Are You Going To Do About That? 

How Can You Be The Person That Breaks This Cycle And Does Something Different So You Don't End Up Right Back Here In These Same Feelings All Over Again? And Lastly, Sometimes When We Have Feelings About Something, It's Both About Whatever It Was That Happened, But Also About Something That Happened In Our Past.

Sometimes Even In Our Distant Past, Maybe From Our Childhood, Something With Our Families Of Origin Or Maybe In College, When We Were Like Teenagers In Our Early Formative Years, And So, How Does This Feeling Feel Old And Familiar? How Does Whatever Happened Touch Upon Some Raw Unresolved Thing From The Past? 

And As You Begin To See If Those Connections, You Can Again, Figure Out What It Is That You Want To Change, How It Is That You Want To Make A Difference, Then That Might Be, You Know, Like Asking Folks In Your Life To Change With You, To-Do Stuff For You, Recognizing That Ultimately You Can Only Control Yourself, Take Some Responsibility. 

What Do You Need To Change To Both Heal The In The Moment That You're Feeling And Then Heal That Hurt From The Past? Obviously, That Is A Big Undertaking, A Whole Lot Of Work. And So, You Might Want To Do That, Work Together With A Therapist.

A Trusted Friend Or Mentor, Or A Relationship Coach. Helping Professionals Can Be So Helpful In Helping You Make Those Connections Between What's Going On In Your Life Right Now And The Patterns. 

What You Might Not Even Realize That Sort Of Follow You Around Throughout Your Whole Life And You Bring Into Each Of Your Relationships, Okay? So Observing Without Judgment And Then Figuring Out Exactly. 

What You're Feeling Are The First Two Steps In Non-violent Communication, Which Is A Four-part Framework Of Helping You Have Healthy Relationships, Healthy Conflict, Healthy Communication.


AKASH TIMES

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